This week has started a new chapter for me in my life and in my battle with binging and purging. I just finnished reading, "You are not what you weigh," by Lisa Bevere. (amazing!! by the way!) I have learned a lot about my identity, gotten much clarity on why I do what I do and have fixed my attention back onto the Lord. The Holy Spirit is doing this with me this time. I wont do it alone. I CANT do it alone. I am still learning what that looks like... to let the Holy Spirit guide me in my food choices and health, instead of myself, relentlessly trying to perfect my body to try and reach some unattainable standard. In my mind, I knew it would not be easy to do, but I did not think it would be as hard as it was today.
Who would think a trip out to lunch would entail so much tribulation and pain for someone? For me, it does.
Every night I worked at Red Robin, I remember I would be so hungry by the end of my shift, I would order the best burger and fries I could lay my eyes on. Either that, or wings- my nemisis. I would drink soda (because it was free)(so was water, but I did not consider that an option), sit down after cleaning all my tables, and eat. It made me feel so good. For the twenty minutes I spent gorging my face out, I felt love, happiness, comfort, freedom. False freedom, I know now.
I would then, retreat to the bathroom, stick my finger down my throat and vomit everything up because I felt like such a pig. Then, the shame would come. I learned to block it out for a while, but eventually, it would lead me on my kick of "I will never throw up again!" and we all know what happens after that, or I wouldn't be writing this blog right now. The cycle continues...
I went the the restroom right after the waiter took our order today. As I sat there in the stall, I got hit with a recollection of all of these memories I just shared with you. It was like all of a sudden I remembered the comfort, the love, I would feel...and then I remember the shame and disspointment in myself that had come just as easily. I came back to the table and I could hear things talking to me. I know you think I am crazy, but I did! The onion rings looked so good...they were telling me to eat them. I wanted a milk shake so bad, but I didn't order one. And when my food came, it took everything inside me to not eat my entire burger. But I didn't.
Because I remembered the shame I felt before. And I didn't want to feel that ever again.
And not only that, I have committed to serving the Lord with my WHOLE self. HE is my God, not food. I am a bondservant to HIM alone.
Here's how I survived this one without throwing up/ over eating until I was sick:
- I told my boyfriend I was having trouble. Being vulnerable with this is hard, hard, hard! But it's important to find someone who knows what your value is like the Lord does and can help you. Whether a friend, or relative, they can help if they have a true picture of the value of people.
- I prayed outloud a grace. No one else really did this, so I did it myself for everyone. This helps me because it helps make the Lord the center of our meal. It also keeps me in check when I want to turn to food for love, comfort, ect. Thanking Him is a good thing!
- I gave someone my leftovers. If it's off my plate, I wont sit there and stare at it wanting to eat just because it's there.
- I asked the Lord when I should stop eating. I think this will become easier for me to know and feel, but right now, I am so used to just pleasing myself and not yeilding to His spirit that it takes a little more effort right now.