Friday, May 20, 2011


Our words are inadequite.

Our statements of faith and our pushes of passion, they're all inadequite.

Thank God for His completeness.

I don't know what it is about new beginings that make them so hard, but the adrenaline rush doesn't always cut it. You get so excited to start something fresh- to begin again, only to find yourself burried in a deeper hole then the one you tried to pull yourself out of in the first place. This is where I can lean on Him. It's in faith I believe I can do all things, because in my own strength, I am nothing but inadequte, incapable, and helpless.

I have been afraid to write lately because I have put some pressure on myself to "get it together" before I posted. But if I waited until I am back on track with my goals, then I would not be showing the real truth. The truth is, I need Him. We all do. And until we get over our perfectionist mindsets about who we are and learn to be vulnerable with Him, ourselves, and others, we will never overcome.

The bible says to "free yourself from the chains around your neck." We work hand in hand for our freedom. For me, its my struggle with food, and this love hate relationship I have with it. For you, it could be something completely different. Let go. Pull the chains off. Let others see so they will know they can be free too.

That is my goal in the blog. That someone else reading this will grow and get free becuase I have been raw and real in my struggle with bulemia. Its been almost two weeks since I've thrown up, but it doesn't stop the voices inside my head. Actually, they get worse when I don't do it. But everyday I am striving to choose to take the chains off of my neck. Some days I add them, some days I take them off. I like to think of it more as a two steps forward one step back kind of deal- not moving full speed, but eventually I will arive at my destination.

Inadequate alone, but with Him I am complete.

Friday, April 29, 2011

waiting to attain

Do you ever feel that one day you'll each a goal or make a dream come true? "one day" is not then, its right now. This is the time (I am saying this to myself). I always thought id lose weight before I get married. Its time now. And no, I'm not getting married. I'm leanring how to love the lord like he is my husband right now. I hide a lot, but I cannot hide from him. He knows my struggles, yet he still loves me. He knows I just threw up- and He still forgives me and draws near to me with aheart full of compassion.

Lord, let your love heal me.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The firmilar spot

Today I went to lunch with a few friends to a good old favorite restuarant of mine- Red Robin. I used to serve tables there, actually in three different locations, even helped open up a new store as a trainer. I spent long days there, filling drinks, taking orders, helping people, trying to earn a living, and...overeating.
This week has started a new chapter for me in my life and in my battle with binging and purging. I just finnished reading, "You are not what you weigh," by Lisa Bevere. (amazing!! by the way!) I have learned a lot about my identity, gotten much clarity on why I do what I do and have fixed my attention back onto the Lord. The Holy Spirit is doing this with me this time. I wont do it alone. I CANT do it alone. I am still learning what that looks like... to let the Holy Spirit guide me in my food choices and health, instead of myself, relentlessly trying to perfect my body to try and reach some unattainable standard. In my mind, I knew it would not be easy to do, but I did not think it would be as hard as it was today.

Who would think a trip out to lunch would entail so much tribulation and pain for someone? For me, it does.

Every night I worked at Red Robin, I remember I would be so hungry by the end of my shift, I would order the best burger and fries I could lay my eyes on. Either that, or wings- my nemisis. I would drink soda (because it was free)(so was water, but I did not consider that an option), sit down after cleaning all my tables, and eat. It made me feel so good. For the twenty minutes I spent gorging my face out, I felt love, happiness, comfort, freedom. False freedom, I know now.

I would then, retreat to the bathroom, stick my finger down my throat and vomit everything up because I felt like such a pig. Then, the shame would come. I learned to block it out for a while, but eventually, it would lead me on my kick of  "I will never throw up again!" and we all know what happens after that, or I wouldn't be writing this blog right now. The cycle continues...

I went the the restroom right after the waiter took our order today. As I sat there in the stall, I got hit with a recollection of all of these memories I just shared with you. It was like all of a sudden I remembered the comfort, the love, I would feel...and then I remember the shame and disspointment in myself that had come just as easily. I came back to the table and I could hear things talking to me. I know you think I am crazy, but I did! The onion rings looked so good...they were telling me to eat them. I wanted a milk shake so bad, but I didn't order one. And when my food came, it took everything inside me to not eat my entire burger. But I didn't.

Because I remembered the shame I felt before. And I didn't want to feel that ever again.

And not only that, I have committed to serving the Lord with my WHOLE self. HE is my God, not food. I am a bondservant to HIM alone.

Here's how I survived this one without throwing up/ over eating until I was sick:
  •  I told my boyfriend I was having trouble. Being vulnerable with this is hard, hard, hard! But it's important to find someone who knows what your value is like the Lord does and can help you. Whether a friend, or relative, they can help if they have a true picture of the value of people.
  • I prayed outloud a grace. No one else really did this, so I did it myself for everyone. This helps me because it helps make the Lord the center of our meal. It also keeps me in check when I want to turn to food for love, comfort, ect. Thanking Him is a good thing!
  • I gave someone my leftovers. If it's off my plate, I wont sit there and stare at it wanting to eat just because it's there.
  • I asked the Lord when I should stop eating. I think this will become easier for me to know and feel, but right now, I am so used to just pleasing myself and not yeilding to His spirit that it takes a little more effort right now.
I really wish I would have prepped myself more for this trip with it being such a memorable spot, but I made it out ok. Not in myself, but with Jesus' help.

Food Idol

"Therefore behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfortably to her. And I will give her vineyards from there forward, and the Valley of Achor for a door of hope: and she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up out of the land of Egypt." Hosea 2:14-15

Wow. What a powerful verse! Let me paint a picture first, as it is hard to only take two scrpitures out and gleam insight without knowing the whole story. Hosea is a book of correction and warning. This is pre-Jesus time, so there is no blood to cover Isreal's sins. The Lord is making it know to Isreal that He has seen their idolatry and is commissioning them to repent! Chapter two, before these top two verses, is about the daughters of Isreal being "whores" and cheating on God with other Gods. He describes it as "..she wore her inscense for them, and decked herself out in earring and her jewels, and she went after her lovers and forgot me..." Still there is the voice of love speaking through God's pain for his missing children. He wants them to sing again! He wants THEIR LOVE AND AFFECTION, THEIR ATTENTION AND TRUST!

What do you trust in? I never thought I had idols in my life until last week when the light  shown so brightly on my heart and exposed them. I have had this picture in my mind of what I should look like: I should be thinner, dress better, have nicer skin, and then I would be enough. Then I would be beautiful! What a lie!

I have had two idols in my life:
1. the perfect ME
2. food

Now, I struggle with over eating more than I do throwing up. Throwing up is just a "back up" for when the shame of worshipping my idol of food gets to be too much! I never realized that until last week! No wonder I felt shame. But even shame is not from the Lord, which is why it leds me to do that instead  of turning to the Lord in my time of weakness. An idol is anything that catches your attention more than GOD. It's anything you set your thoughts on more than God, or anything you worry about more than God. Now that breaks it down now, doesn't it!

I am going to talk more to come on the practical applications of leanring to "think on the lord" when I'm feeling that pull from food in the coming blogs. Until then, I am leaning on that scrpiture. I will sing to the lord again like the days of freedom in the past! He is my hope! He is my trust!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Not a plastic bouquet of nothing

I took a walk in the park yesterday with my boyfriend. It was amazing! I promised him I would make him a co-author of this note today, since he was the one who pointed some of this stuff out to me. Being outside is so good for the soul. You can see creation at its best- and understand your purpose in the big scheme of things. The most important picture I get when I am outside around nature if that of GROWTH and the process of it.

There is so much to be said of growth and how it works, but I just want to pin point a few of them:
  1. Seasons are so important in determinging the overall growth in plant life. This is true of our hearts too. It is something that happens naturally, organically- in the right season. A spring flower cannot bloom in the middle of winter. The elements around it would kill it. But instead, it is preparing the seed inside it, protecting it, nurturing it, getting it ready to bloom for the next two seasons. Our hearts are the same. There are seasons when we recieve healing. There are seasons when we feel things stirring on the inside. And then, there are seasons when its time to stand up, to speak out, and show our colors inside! Its important that we find out what season we are in right now and rest in that.
  2. Travis said, "Did you know that leaves don't really fall? They get pushed off by the buds growing out of the tree. They don't just fall off." This paints a great picture of how when we are seeking growth- the Holy Spirit inside of us will begin to "push" the dead things in us off as the new emurges. I think this process can only occur if we ARE seeking growth in HIM. If not, then we will be walking around with dead leaves/ fruit on us waiting for something to happen. It WILL happen if we are seeking Him. He will change us and He will produce new life inside of us if we will let him push that stuff off!
  3. Roots. They go deep. I saw this as I have been gardening in my yard this past weekend. There is so much going on under the surface that we don't even know about! Good and bad. There are roots, even  if you have killed the tree, that can only be removed by years of cultivating the soil. Over and over again hoeing and shoveling through the roots and the surrounding areas with grace and truth. It is a continual process of digging deeper, and dispelling the roots with years of cultivation and work. (Good thing He did thew work already for us, we just have to believe!)This is how the Lord heals the deep places inside of our hearts- He renews us with his words of truth, and we co-labor with Him in the process to not let the roots stay as they were underneath the soil of our hearts.
  4. The ground had been burned in the park. Maybee some of you have, but I had never seen this done before. I saw a lot of ash, and to me, it look like dead life. Travis explained to me that burning is what they do when they want the plants to bring new growth. WOW. So you burn it with fire... and in the next season it will grow back more plentiful than before? I don't think I need to explain this one...
I am working on the soil of my heart. Pursuing growth is tough sometimes. Its easier to just do what everyone else around me is doing. But I know that the fruit of my journey will bring lasting fruit that will feed many. It may be tough, but I will do what it takes to not just be a plastic bouquet of nothing.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Selective Hearing

"We need to know truth with a deeper intimacy and to a greater degree than we've known the lie...for only truth stops the progression of lies..." -LB

Who has ever believed something because someone told you to believe it? There has to be at least some small level of trust there first, in order for you to give that part of yourself away. Trust in their authority (mom & dad), Trust in a friend (with whom you have learned to be vulnerable with through time), trust in someone's wisdom (pastor or an elder): all of these are voices we have willingly trusted for proof of evidence first.

What evidence does Satan have for us to give Him our trust? What proof does he have that he is worthy of it? Of course, you would say none! But how many times do we willingly let go of what the Lord says about who we are, only to believe the voice of the enemy that is fillied with lies and deception? All the time. At least, I do.

It is hard for me to connect this revelation, as much as I beleieve it's true, to my own situation and how I see my outward appearance, but it is true nonetheless. How can I believe some words from God but not others? How can I believe I am redeemed and forgiven if I cannot first believe I was created in his appearance (beauty), and I am fearfully & wonderfully made? How can I...?

I am discovering this to be true: You need the truth to be louder than the lies you hear. But you have to be willing to at least admit it's truth for it to do any good. If you don't do that, you make God a liar.

Lord, help me to trust in ALL Your words, and not just the ones that are easy to believe about myself. I want freedom from the lies I hear all day long.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

And so it begins...

I am "Worthy of love". I am beautiful in His eyes.
I am a binge eater. I am also a binge thrower-upper. Why am I telling you this? Because I believe this is the step I need to take to walk out my freedom. I also believe that this is the step I need to take to help you walk out yours. You are not alone in your mess- even if it's not the same mess as the one I have.. I wanted to dedicate this blog to my journey through my mess and into the heart of God.  Although I have already fought through so much, there is still more to grow into. Just this step alone represents my heart’s endurance and faith in pursuit of freedom and my identity in Christ. Five years ago, no one even knew about this thing I tried to hide for so long. If I knew I would have talked about it in a blog, I would have completely shut down and given up. I know that many of you reading this either had no idea that I have struggled with this at all, or thought it was in the past not to be brought up again, but it is here- still banging on the outside of my heart’s door, screaming incessantly for me to let it back in every day of my life.
         I believe that the power of sin can only have as much power over you as you give it. Darkness has to flee when the light is turned on. It can’t hide in the corners, or under any tables or beds. It can’t go hide in the closet until it is safe to come out again. It just has to go. It vanishes. I am turning on the light in my life. It has always been there… I just hadn’t made up my mind and the temptation to turn the switch on and off again is always lingering inside my head. The thing that has taken me so long to realize is that I am the one who controls the light switch. I make the choices, I choose what I want in my life and it’s time to let the light shine.
I hope you are my friend and if you read this blog, it is not to have pity on me and my struggle with bulimia, but it is to learn what you can about who YOU are in the Lord. If I can learn to expose the darkness in me, you can too. I want freedom from everything the enemy has put on me and lied to me about all my life. Join me in my vulnerable journey and let’s finally fight the battle that we have already won anyway!

“You will never change anything that you do not first hate.”